Being Kind to Yourself -vs- Forcing Yourself

I can be a bit of a soft touch when it comes to my relationship with me.  Although in many ways I am very motivated and disciplined when it comes to getting stuff done, I do give myself a bit too much of an easy ride, and as of this week, that is changing! 

The last couple of weeks have been a bit ‘blah’ for no significant reason (other than perhaps fighting the cold that everyone seems to have at the moment and being a bit hormonal)  I’ve lacked my usual ‘get up and go’ and throughout this period I’ve been very aware of the self-talk that has accompanied me through this period of ‘blah-ness’

Do any of these sound familiar?

• I feel a bit tired, I’ll go to the gym when I’m feeling in the mood
• I’m stressed, I’ll just eat chocolate and watch TV all evening – I deserve it
• I have a lot on, I deserve to hit snooze and have another hour in bed

I've been guilty of telling myself all of the above and many more excuses along these lines.  I’ll be walking home from work after a long day thinking, “I have to go to the gym” but then a little voice will pipe up and say “Look after yourself George, you’ve got a lot on, just rest tonight.” It’s oh so easy to fall into this trap.  I like to tell myself I’m 'looking after myself' but am I?  There's been many times when I’ve so badly not wanted to go to my spin class.  I’d rather have done ANYTHING else, but when I’ve forced myself I’ve felt absolutely amazing afterwards and so proud I made myself do it.  The difficulty is that there is a very fine line between having a genuine reason to give yourself a break and making an excuse.
  

I recently watched a TED talk - 'How to stop screwing yourself over' by Mel Robbins and it made me realise that I give myself way too much of an easy ride at times.  Just think, if I did force myself to do certain things I could reach so much more of my potential. We can really desperately want something – for instance – to drop a couple of dress sizes, but that desire doesn’t always translate to the desire to really desperately want to spend hours a week in a sweaty gym.  So how do we keep our goal in sight and get what we want, when the steps we need to take in order to achieve our goal may, at times, not be so appealing?

The below tips have helped me in the past to stay focused and get off my bum and just DO IT and I’ll be keeping these things in mind next time I even come close to letting myself of the hook:

1. Visualise, visualise, visualise: And I don’t just mean visualise the end goal, for example fitting into that old pair of jeans, I mean visualise how great you’ll feel when you force yourself to do the thing you need to do in order to achieve your goal. Then remember that feeling for the next time you are tempted to make an excuse. 
2. Push through the comfort zone:  Trying new things and taking on new challenges can feel like a leap too far at times but the reward of pushing your way through your comfort zone and opening up a whole new realm of possibility is far greater than the temporary unease.
3. Make yourself accountable: Tell people your goal and how you’re going to achieve it - your partner, friend, work colleague, life coach.  It’s never a great feeling to tell someone you’ve failed at doing something you’d committed to doing.  Instead, think how brilliant you’ll feel to report back and say “I did it!"

Of course there are going to be times when we need to give ourselves a break but my resolution from now on is to recognise when I’m being a bit soft on myself and kick myself into shape. 

If I look back on all the countless times I’ve been ‘nice’ to myself and let myself off the hook, I wonder if I’d be further along in achieving my goals had I just forced myself to do it?  The answer to this is most definitely 'yes', so when it comes to my relationship with myself I’m going to enforce a bit of tough love in order to get what I want.  

The Power of the To-Do List

I don't know where I would be without my to-list and neither does Andy Murray it would seem.  For those of you who haven't read about it this week, a photographer got his hands on Andy Murray's to-do list which consisted of 10 motivational 'notes to self' for his game. This made me smile and made me happy that I have something in common with a sportsperson. That has never happened before and is perhaps the only time I will have something in common with a sportsperson.

I know you may be thinking this is a really boring topic for a blog post, but stay with me - I really feel that my weekly to-do list keeps me on the straight and narrow and helps me tick off each task I want, and need, to accomplish each week.  It's a great motivation and once you get into the swing of it, it becomes a little ritual for a Sunday night, and the ticking off part is the best bit.  I'm not afraid to admit that I sometimes realise I've done a task which I hadn't actually written on my list so I'll write it on my list so I can then tick it off.  I know this is extremely sad but it's so satisfying.  I know I'm not the only one who does this...!!

So what's on my to-do list? Well at the moment my spare time has to be planned very carefully and I have to make sure I'm not going off piste too often.  The to-do list itself is from Lollipop which was given to me by one of my best friends who is also an organisation-aholic.  I keep my list on the kitchen table, in sight, so I can tick off as I go along throughout the week. I divide my time into categories; my life-coaching (currently speaking to lots of volunteer clients each week), my wedding planning (currently planning my wedding), exercise (the bit I hate but just need to tick off what I manage to get round to doing so that I can give myself a pat on the back - if it wasn't on the list it wouldn't happen).  Then there's the 'other' category which is everything else - contacting friends, making social plans, buying cards and gifts for people, doing the shopping, cleaning, washing etc etc.

I know from past experience from the dark days (AKA the pre to-do list days) that all the things I needed to get done could so easily end up going onto my mental to-do list for the next day, and then for the next week, and then just never getting done. It's the 'I'll do it tomorrow' feeling that we're all familiar with. 

As I'm spending time each week with volunteer clients and researching plans for my eventual business I'm getting closer to my overall goal of running my own business.  My to-do list keeps me focused, allows me the chance to evaluate where I'm at each week and what steps I need to prioritise.

It's so easy to get overwhelmed with big tasks and this is certainly true of planning a wedding.  As an example, when I first got engaged I wasn't sleeping well as my mind was buzzing with ideas and the sheer massiveness of the task ahead and all the things we'd need to do to make the wedding happen.  After the initial hysteria (good hysteria I mean) eased I was able to sit down and, with the help of an Excel spread sheet, do my master to-do list.  I revert back to this every week or so and see where I'm at and what can go for the wedding to-do list for that week.  I find that if I have a big task in front of me, which has the potential to be overwhelming, the best approach is to break it down, prioritise and have a biro to hand at all times, to tick off as I go.

Boring or not, I wanted to do a little post on my trusty to-do list because it fits in really well with a philosophy I try to live my life by, which is that when we have a goal it's always good to break it down into little goals or steps and as we achieve each little step we are that bit closer to our overall end goal.  Andy Murray puts "be good to yourself" at the top of his to-do list and I'm with him on this one - be good to yourself and celebrate your daily accomplishments, no matter how small, because you so easily could have not bothered to do that task, but you did and that has got you a little closer to your goal.

Self Esteem and TV Screens

I was brought up to believe the glass is half full.  I have lots of memories of my mum singing ‘Always Look on the Bright Side of Life’ to me and my sister as children, which probably accounts for my relatively sunny disposition.  My mum used to talk to us a lot about the power of the mind – mind over matter and all that - so I’ve always had an interest in this kind of thing.

One weekend when I was 14 and well and truly in the awkward phase (braces, pre-GHD frizzy hair, spots) my mum took my sister and I to a wellbeing exhibition at a local sports centre.  At the end of the day we attended a talk by Uri Geller – the man who bends spoons, with his mind…

The talk was based on his book ‘Mind Medicine’ and I found the whole thing fascinating, but something which really resonated with me, which I wanted to share with you, was a technique he spoke about which I’ve used ever since (sadly I’m not talking about the spoon bending, though that would be a great party trick).  The technique I’m referring to involves visualising a TV screen (bear with me) and it has done wonders for my self-esteem and helped give me a confidence boost at times when I’ve needed it most.

I’m going to use a personal account to explain the technique.  I went away to a very theatrical boarding school for sixth form.  I was so excited to go there as I loved drama and was really interested in media as well, which the school was very well known for.  From the first day, I felt that all the other girls at the school were far prettier, more talented and generally far superior to me.  Initially I’d really wanted to get involved with the amazing productions the school put on but my self-esteem wasn’t up to much and the other girls were so incredibly confident that I shied away from it all.  Then in my final year I decided I’d go for it and audition for one of the shows.  This audition involved singing in front of loads of my fellow students in the school theatre and that was petrifying.  It makes me feel slightly nauseous thinking of it now, all these years on.

Uri Geller’s technique was very simple – all you had to do was visualise a giant TV screen and imagine yourself in a given scenario on the screen.  In this case, I imagined the TV screen and visualised myself singing the song I’d prepared.  On the TV screen, I was calm and confident and singing well.  I really focused on how I wanted to feel in that moment. This process not only helped with the nerves but also enabled me to really imagine myself doing something that a year earlier would have filled me with dread.   I did the audition and got in the show and loved it. It was a huge boost to my confidence.  The TV screen has helped me through countless other situations such as first days in a new job, interviews, first dates, confrontations, getting through a gruelling work out (that one doesn’t happen often), meeting new people etc.

I can still remember the sense of empowerment I felt after this talk.  I felt really excited and it was a real ‘light bulb’ moment for me.  It was the feeling that, with the power of my mind, I can achieve anything.  It is the perfect kind of tool for me to use, as I’m a daydreamer with a vivid imagination, so it’s something that really works for me.  In an age where we pick up so many pieces of information and advice on a daily basis, it’s rare, I think, to find something that really stays with you like this.  I’ve used this technique ever since the Uri Geller talk and I really hope that if you’ve got this far reading about it, you’ll give it a go.  There are no limits to what your mind can conjure up and no limits to what you can achieve so get visualising and reap the benefits!

From a total beginner at living in the moment - an experiment in applying Mindfulness.

"The best way to capture moments is to pay attention.  This is how we cultivate mindfulness.  Mindfulness means being awake.  It means knowing what you are doing."             

Steve (my fiancé) drives me round the bend when he plays on his phone whilst we watch TV, watch a film or even when we eat dinner.  But what throws me into even more of a rage is when I realise I’m doing it too.  The only difference is I’m not on Candy Crush, I’m doing important things… like checking Facebook.   

We all work hard and have guilty pleasures which help us unwind of an evening, and I’m not ashamed to admit our guilty pleasure is ‘EastEnders’ (no judgement please) The other day we were “watching” an episode, both of us glued to our phones, and missed the lead up to the good bit and ended up totally lost and having to rewind. It was most annoying as we couldn’t find the right point at which we’d both tuned out and so, from now on, phones are down and we dedicate a full 30 minutes to our guilty pleasure.

Mindful eating is something to try too and as well as enjoying the food a lot more, I find I'm less likely to overeat than when I mindlessly eat whilst doing other things!   I’m all for multi-tasking but when it comes to the those little treats and moments of bliss, like a favourite TV show or a delicious dinner, I think we owe it our full attention and for this reason I now make a conscious effort to apply mindfulness every day.  

Mindfulness has become a bit of a ‘buzzword’ lately and I’ve only really read about it since starting my Life Coaching course and it’s made me realise that since a very young age I have been completely rubbish at living in the moment.  I am a thinker, not so much in an intellectual way, more in a daydreamy kind of way, and I can often be physically present somewhere but be totally in my own world.  In science or maths lessons at school (my worst subjects) I’d often transport myself to my own little world which was much more fun.  I think this developed into quite a bad habit and I’m starting to realise now that I missed out on things simply from not ‘being in the moment.’  

Evidence of this is that my younger sister remembers the tiniest details from family holidays and she’ll occasionally bring up memories she has and I’ll look blankly at her.  It’s not even just the little things I don’t recall, sometimes my family will talk about an area we visited or a day out and nope, nothing.  The reason is that, again, I was in my own little world, most probably thinking about boys!

My two week mindfulness experiment

For one of my life coaching assignments I applied mindfulness to my life for a two week period and I found this really interesting…and hard.  As well as generally trying to be more mindful day to day, I specifically applied it to my walks to work.  I’m lucky enough to have a 15 minute walk to work each day and normally go from A to B on autopilot.  In fact, I often don’t pay any attention at all to my surroundings, just to the constant chatter that goes on in my head…. people I need to get in touch with, what I have to do at work, jobs I need to do and various worries about anything and everything.  During my two week experiment I actually listened to the sounds around me, paid attention to the people I passed, observed nature.  When you look for it, there is so much out there to appreciate that can so easily be lost in the general hectic-ness of life. 

I began to really look forward to my walks to work.  Of course thoughts crept in along the way but when they did, or when they started to build momentum, I brought myself back to the present moment.  As I neared the end of the two weeks I really did feel that this little experiment had had a really positive effect on my wellbeing.   I was making the conscious effort to really savour and appreciate things – the feel of a nice hot bubble bath, the taste of a home cooked meal, the feeling I got having my first sip of Pinot on Friday night and, of course, good old ‘EastEnders’.  For me, all these little moments add up to increased feelings of happiness which can only be a good thing.  The hardest thing is actually remembering to apply mindfulness but when you do you’ll be really glad you did.

By the end of the two weeks I was feeling more positive, calmer and more appreciative of the small things that are actually the big things when you bother to notice them, like my ability to see my surroundings, walk to work and smell the lovely garlic coming from the Italian restaurant on my walk home!

I’m still new to mindfulness and have just scratched the surface in terms of how practicing it can have a positive impact on my daily life.  This, I’m sure, will be the first of a few mindfulness themed blog posts as my knowledge and experience in the area grows.  A couple of books on the topic which I really enjoyed are Mindfulness – apractical guide to finding peace in a frantic world by Mark Williams &Danny Penman and Mindfulness: Be Mindful, Live in the Momentby Gill Hasson

But for now, why not apply some mindfulness to your day and see if it injects just a little bit of extra happiness?  Let me know how you get on... 

Forget giving up chocolate! The important resolutions to make this year…

Firstly, Happy New Year to you anyone who has been kind enough to have a little gander at this blog post...

This time last year a good friend of mine suggested creating a happiness jar for 2014.  I couldn’t find a jar at the time so used this tin which was once full of lovely beauty products!

So, throughout 2014 every time something nice happened, even just a tiny thing (like a lady in M&S liking my perfume) I’d write it down and pop it in my tin.  I also wrote down funny quotes from friends and family which has provided much entertainment as I opened my tin of happiness yesterday.  The point of doing this was to consciously appreciate the little things in life that can so easily pass you by, not just so they can bring a smile to your face at the end of the year, but so you get into the habit of noticing the happiness and humour that happens all the time…if you choose to notice it.

Favourite quote of the year...

I really want to kiss you, but don't want to make you ill. It's like a fat man wanting doughnuts but not being able to have any

Gratitude for 2015

This year, I’m going to do the same but with a new twist.  I’m also going to add things I’m grateful for.  I like to think I’m generally quite a grateful person and don’t often take things for granted but I also think it’s something we are all guilty of.  We can dwell on things we want to change or don’t have and forget to be thankful for the things we do have.  I was going through a bit of a miserable time a few years ago and came across a book called The Tools which spoke about something which I have bored my friends with ever since – The Grateful Flow.   The idea behind it is spending some time each day really thinking and feeling all the things you’re grateful for.  I find the best place for The Grateful Flow is the shower!  I simply think of all the things in my life I’m grateful for and when you get going, it’s hard to stop (hence the flow part) 

I really believe that when you pay attention and appreciate the little things in life that make you smile, you enjoy life more, rather than going about your day stuck in your own head trapped by your own thoughts and worries – we’ve all been there!  I place the same importance on gratitude.  As soon as you are actively grateful, on a daily basis, for all the good in your life, there is room for more good to come in.  Oprah Winfrey (one of my favourites) keeps a Gratitude Journal and here’s what she has to say about it.  It’s worth a watch - Oprah's Gratitude Journal.

In 2013 I gave up crisps for my new year's resolution (lasted as long as June)  and I have to say my resolution of starting my happiness jar in 2014 was far more enjoyable than the crisp deprivation of 2013.  So how about joining me in starting a jar (or tin) of happiness & gratitude for 2015?  A new year’s resolution you may actually enjoy!

Oh a Life Coach…. What’s that?!

Hello and welcome to my blog – my first ever one – bit scary!  Since the age of about ten I’ve written a diary but have only ever done it for my own eyes.  Over the past year I’ve been training to become a Life Coach and through this process I’ve built upon my personal ‘toolkit’ which helps me live a happy life and tackle the everyday stresses and strains we all encounter.  I thought the time had come to share some of these ideas in a bid to make for some (hopefully!) interesting reading and an injection of inspiration to live the life you want and, most importantly, be happy!

Telling people I’m planning to become a Life Coach is sometimes met with a blank expression so in this first blog post I’m going to attempt to explain what a Life Coach actually is.  It may be easier to start with what a Life Coach is NOT.  Life Coaching isn’t counselling, it isn’t advice giving and it isn’t about solving people’s problems for them.  Whether consciously or subconsciously we all have our own goals and, with the best intentions, it’s not always easy to achieve them on our own and that’s where a Life Coach can be really valuable. 

It’s perhaps useful to liken a Life Coach to a Personal Trainer.  If you have your very own personal fitness coach you are much more likely to stick to that gym session and turn up every week, than if left to your own devices.  The same is true for a Life Coach.   They should be totally dedicated to helping you accomplish your goals by asking the right questions at the right times and listening to what YOU want to achieve.   A talented Life Coach will be that person cheering you along every step of the way as you work towards your goals, just as fitness trainer would.   

So, why use a Life Coach?  People can see a Life Coach for all manner of reasons. Coaching through times of transition can work well - career change, retirement, becoming a parent, the break-up of a relationship, returning to work after illness or maternity leave etc.  Life Coaching can also help those wanting some extra motivation to make changes in their lives such as healthy living, time/stress management, coping with anxiety surrounding public speaking or becoming more assertive. Something people often assume is that, to see a Life Coach, there must be big issues to tackle, but that's not the case at all.  We all have those niggling things which we want to work on to improve our lives and our general well-being and happiness (I know I do!)  There's absolutely no shame in having a helping hand and that's where a Life Coach could be of huge value.

My parents’ attic is FULL of my diaries and I’ve clocked up about 20,000 words on laptop from my various diary entries from over the years so it’s safe to say I have a tendency to ramble on so I’m making a conscious effort to leave this post where it is, now that I have given some insight into Life Coaching.

I’m excited to share more soon about all kinds of topics around self-development and well-being.  Thanks for reading if you got this far and I’ll post again soon.